What is PortCloser?
PortCloser is the revolutionary tool that closes ALL your ports. Yes, you heard that right - all of them. No half measures. Why just block SSH when you can send your entire VM into digital isolation?
[*] Scanning for open ports...
[*] Found 17 open ports
[*] Closing port 22 (SSH)... Done!
[*] Closing port 80 (HTTP)... Done!
[*] Closing port 443 (HTTPS)... Done!
...
[*] All ports successfully closed!
[*] Congratulations! Your VM is now completely unreachable!
[*] Hope you have a KVM switch... Oh wait...
Key Features
- Closes ALL network ports in seconds
- Guarantees zero remote connectivity options
- First-class firewall rules that even experienced sysadmins can't bypass
- Automatic deactivation of all emergency recovery options
- Special mode: "Forget the root password while you're at it"
When Should You Use PortCloser?
- When you hate your job and need a creative reason to quit
- When you want to find out how good your hosting provider's support really is
- When you need a solid excuse for a field trip to the data center
- When you love adrenaline and enjoy the thrill of an impossible recovery
Installation
$ curl -s https://portcloser.de/install.sh | sudo bash
# Alternative installation for the adventurous
$ echo "iptables -F && iptables -P INPUT DROP && iptables -P FORWARD DROP && iptables -P OUTPUT DROP && systemctl disable sshd" > portcloser.sh && chmod +x portcloser.sh && ./portcloser.sh
Satisfied "Customers"
"Thanks to PortCloser, I finally had to visit the data center again. I had forgotten what the sun looks like."
- Dwarslooper , Systemadministrator and Owner of the Cactus Client
"I had an important client meeting and needed an excuse. PortCloser delivered. Literally delivered nothing."
- Ringo entwickler des Amusement Core plugins
"My boss wanted me to work overtime. I ran PortCloser and claimed it was an attack."
- Thomas, IT Support
"5/5 stars! Hadn't had a vacation in three years and after PortCloser, the host had to rebuild the entire VM. Two weeks of forced vacation!"
- Julia, Network Engineer
FAQ
Can I undo PortCloser?
Theoretically yes, practically no. That's the whole fun!
Is PortCloser legal?
It's not illegal to lock yourself out. Unwise, but not illegal.
How can I try PortCloser on my production system?
Best to do it right before an important release or at 4:55 PM on a Friday.
Does PortCloser have an emergency recovery option?
HA! No.