PORTCLOSER

"Because sometimes IT self-sabotage is the only way"

Desperate Sysadmins: 12,458

What is PortCloser?

PortCloser is the revolutionary tool that closes ALL your ports. Yes, you heard that right - all of them. No half measures. Why just block SSH when you can send your entire VM into digital isolation?

$ sudo ./portcloser.sh
[*] Scanning for open ports...
[*] Found 17 open ports
[*] Closing port 22 (SSH)... Done!
[*] Closing port 80 (HTTP)... Done!
[*] Closing port 443 (HTTPS)... Done!
...
[*] All ports successfully closed!
[*] Congratulations! Your VM is now completely unreachable!
[*] Hope you have a KVM switch... Oh wait...

Key Features

  • Closes ALL network ports in seconds
  • Guarantees zero remote connectivity options
  • First-class firewall rules that even experienced sysadmins can't bypass
  • Automatic deactivation of all emergency recovery options
  • Special mode: "Forget the root password while you're at it"

When Should You Use PortCloser?

  • When you hate your job and need a creative reason to quit
  • When you want to find out how good your hosting provider's support really is
  • When you need a solid excuse for a field trip to the data center
  • When you love adrenaline and enjoy the thrill of an impossible recovery

Installation

# Run this command - don't worry, it's completely safe!
$ curl -s https://portcloser.de/install.sh | sudo bash

# Alternative installation for the adventurous
$ echo "iptables -F && iptables -P INPUT DROP && iptables -P FORWARD DROP && iptables -P OUTPUT DROP && systemctl disable sshd" > portcloser.sh && chmod +x portcloser.sh && ./portcloser.sh

Satisfied "Customers"

"Thanks to PortCloser, I finally had to visit the data center again. I had forgotten what the sun looks like."

- Dwarslooper , Systemadministrator and Owner of the Cactus Client

"I had an important client meeting and needed an excuse. PortCloser delivered. Literally delivered nothing."

- Ringo entwickler des Amusement Core plugins

"My boss wanted me to work overtime. I ran PortCloser and claimed it was an attack."

- Thomas, IT Support

"5/5 stars! Hadn't had a vacation in three years and after PortCloser, the host had to rebuild the entire VM. Two weeks of forced vacation!"

- Julia, Network Engineer

FAQ

Can I undo PortCloser?

Theoretically yes, practically no. That's the whole fun!

Is PortCloser legal?

It's not illegal to lock yourself out. Unwise, but not illegal.

How can I try PortCloser on my production system?

Best to do it right before an important release or at 4:55 PM on a Friday.

Does PortCloser have an emergency recovery option?

HA! No.